I was born with a congenital condition that prevents infants from passing stool. It is a serious condition that needs immediate medical attention and most likely, surgery. Fortunately, the medical care I received helped me live a fairly normal life for most of my childhood and early adult life. I still lived with a lot of discomfort, but I could play sports and engage in activities without much hesitation.
Over the past few years, my condition started to deteriorate. It was difficult to notice my body experiencing more pain because it has slowly been normalized after living with it my entire life. I started to have pain in class and would have difficulty sitting in my chair, needing to go home early. There have been times I would need to lie on the bathroom floor because I could not stand up, or take a break on a walk and lay in the grass until the pain would dissipate. It was incredibly embarrassing, but I was in denial. I think that many of us (yes, I’m talking to all you women out there) are socialized to separate ourselves from our bodies; our bodies are separate from our souls, and what happens within the body is separate from what we think. I also had this fantasy that I could think the pain away; mindfulness has been a great tool for me to manage some of the discomfort. However, meditating was not enough, and I finally came to that realization when the pandemic hit and my body became much more known to me.
Socially-isolating during the pandemic has made me much more aware of my body. The denial I experienced a few years ago was uprooted and I started to realize the significant disconnect between my body and the mind that resides in it. One of my favorite feminist authors, Susie Orbach, extended Winnicott’s ideas of the false self to include the false body. Her ideas illuminate how women’s bodies are built upon the identification with others; I do not think my experience is too far off. I had an assumption that my body was limitless and that age would not affect it. I also had a fantasy that my congenital medical condition would remain hidden and never emerge again. Not only has it emerged over the last couple of years, it has brought on an incredible amount of fear and uncertainty. It has made it difficult to connect to others because I feel the need to hide my pain, anger, and fear. I have been faced with needing to say “I’m really not okay,” and to my surprise, has been received well by several people. To them, I say thank you. Having the space to just be, without needing to deny my own body, has been something I will always remember.
- cg
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