We have all been judged without being fully known by another. Though we have identities that are not easily known or seen by others, they may be just as influential as those that are easily seen. These can be health status, socio-economic status, learning ability, gender identity, or sexual orientation, among others. Despite these identities being hidden, they are powerful influences on how we navigate the world and how we interact with one another. Furthermore, we all make judgments of people without knowing these identities. It has happened to me on several occasions among people whom I consider sensitive to these issues, including classmates, professors, and other psychologists. Unfortunately, I did not have the courage to stand up for myself because of shame about those specific identities and I would guess that others have been in a similar situation, and perhaps even a victim of my own naivety and ignorance.
I taught my first undergraduate course in 2011. I was rigid, as were many other TAs. We were not to accept late work and students were required to show proof that they were at a funeral. One student constantly turned in his homework late, which frustrated me. I would lower his grade but he never complained. At the time, I was volunteering at a local soup kitchen. I generally took the evening shift a few days a week, but I was able to take an earlier shift. My student showed up and I thought he was going to volunteer as well. He set his bag down at one of the tables and got in line. When he got to me, he could not even look at me. I cannot remember what I said but I likely just smiled without saying anything. For someone who prides herself on being sensitive to poverty and homelessness, it did not occur to me why this young man was turning in his homework late. I just did what I was supposed to do, mark the grade down and encourage the student to turn in homework on time. After we met one another at the soup kitchen, I talked to him after class and told him he can email me his homework assignments. He never again turned in another late assignment.
As clinicians and teachers, we have to do better. We have to be sensitive to all aspects of another person. We also have to be open to being wrong. Who are we to feel the need to be right about someone else’s subjective experience? The only person who is right is the person who embodies his or her experience and by being right, we are closing ourselves off to finding the other and being found by another. Growth and learning cannot take place in such a trap.
- cg
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