What is it like, taking up space in someone else’s mind? I can only imagine what that is actually like because others take up space in my mind.
I cannot think of anything more uncomfortable than taking up space. Physical space. Emotional space. Psychic space. Spiritual space. Most spaces are uncomfortable. I imagine others thinking about me and it makes me want to hide. There is a small part of me that wants to be seen, though most other parts of me want to remain hidden well enough not to be found. I recently sent an email to a supervisor about some health issues I’ve been having. I don’t really like talking about my health in supervision because there are many other things that need to be covered. There just does not seem to be enough time to make our way through my/our checklist. I wrote the email, feeling okay, confident even, about sending it. After I pressed send, I immediately started crying and I continued crying for a few hours. The first thought of which I became conscious was now he is going to have to think about me. I am hyper-aware that we are all struggling through the pandemic, each and every one of us bearing, and needing, to support more anxiety on our shoulders. The thought of him needing to bear even more was intolerable to me.
Why is it that we have difficulty taking up space? I spent most of my adult life thinking about this question and I still don’t have a great answer. The idea of taking up space is nothing new for women, those with relational trauma, or those with eating disorders. In fact, I would venture to guess that everyone has thought about taking up space at one point or another, whether she wants to take up more or less space, given her past traumatic or relational experiences. However, I would be naive to think that I truly do not want to be seen by others. The simple answer would be that I am defending against the desire to be seen by hiding myself from others. But I think it is much more complex than this. There is a part of me that wants to be held and cared for, but the mere thought of that actually happening shrinks me into the comfort of my own mind, peering out from the confines of safety.
- cg
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