The pandemic has made life hard for so many people. As a graduate student, I have become aware of my needs to a great extent, much more than I had previously. I have also needed to come to terms with my numerous imperfections and what it means to be "good enough."
Coming to terms with my significant level of need, and also being faced with not being the best I can be, has been incredibly challenging. I have never considered myself a perfectionist and I have always been okay with small failures and lack of knowledge. However, I have always had pride in the preparation I would do for class and supervision and also my level of engagement in my school activities; the pandemic has made it much more difficult to feel prepared and be engaged.
The pandemic has changed most, if not all, of us. This change occurred so rapidly that it is hard to look back even a few months and remember how I was feeling. The pandemic has also made it more difficult to stay grounded and present in many of my interactions with others, including friends, loved ones, clients, and in supervision. Though I have been physically present, my mind seems to be dancing on the periphery, thinking very hard, but not on the topic of conversation.
I cannot state enough how much supervision has helped me through this challenging time. Supervision is a place where supervisees can share difficulties with clients, talk about cases, conceptualize client challenges, and talk about personal development. Over the last few months, however, I have experienced supervision as something much deeper and more meaningful. I am still discussing cases and my supervisors are ensuring that my clients are receiving adequate care. However, my supervisory relationships have changed significantly over the pandemic, and though I think they are changing for the better, this change elicits an immense level of anxiety that I have not yet experienced in any of my professional relationships.
What has been most surprising, and reassuring, to me is that many other people have been experiencing something similar. I used to have a significant level of shame when I could not stay focused during a session; I tried different things to help me stay focused (e.g., writing in a notepad, using a fidget toy, removing everything around me that could be a potential distraction). What I found out, pretty quickly, is that the lack of focus wasn't external, it was internal. My distraction was not due to anything but the preoccupation in my own mind.
I did not like coming to this realization. My lack of concentration and attention made me feel like I was failing in some way, not only with my clients, but in supervision as well. But, what I noticed was that by being just "good enough," I was actually more attuned to what others were experiencing. I was in the thick of the chaos with them, hearing them, listening, and making sense out of what they were telling me. There was also an understanding of collective un-knowing that I have never experienced; there was this understanding that not only did they not have answers, I did not either.
I have been really struck by the grace of my clients. Even more so, I have been moved by the grace and forgiveness that my supervisors have shown me. I have done and said so many things I wish I hadn't. I have also acted in ways that, seven months ago, would have horrified me. Being "good enough" is becoming a more comfortable place to be and by being good enough, I am accepting my own flaws that have been exposed by my anxieties during the pandemic. By being good enough, I can feel more free to speak the imperfections of my mind and the unformulated thoughts that haven't yet been fully articulated, knowing that others have the capacity to forgive. And by being good enough, I can recognize that others are trying to be good enough too; I am able to forgive them and have grace, knowing that we are all doing the best we can right now.
- cg
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